My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
