you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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