I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
