I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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