How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize