By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
