Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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