I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
