$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
