she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
