Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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