Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
