I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
