Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
