Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
