I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
