last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
