Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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