I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
