just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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