my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
