I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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