I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I am midnight drunk by noon
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
