The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
