Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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