Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
