So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
