Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize