I am puke
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
