It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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