Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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