You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
