You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
