Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
