she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
