I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
