I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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