Don't you send me to vm
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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