Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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