last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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