what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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