Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
