Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
