Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
