She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
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