Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
