So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
