I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
