there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
