If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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