Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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