well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
