I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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