Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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