omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
