I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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