I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
